Witty IM's-2

I mentioned abt Clyde’isms in the prev article, his IM one liners have been the toast of Gmail . Here goes the second list with my attempts to unriddle them.

• Alarm Clock: Device that wakes you up just in time to go back to sleep.
You asked the Alarm to watch & wake you, isn’t it?
• I'm wearing black until they make something darker.
Mind has blacked out.
• Recession - I've lowered my expectations to the point where they've already been met.
Wait until it gets worse
• Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Uncommonly common eh?
• Philosophy is life's dry-nurse, who can take care of us - but not suckle us.
No wonder drives many to Psychiatry ward.
• He who laughs last didn't get it.
Or maybe he is faster than you think. He is already laughing at your next joke.
• Everybody wants to go to heaven; but nobody wants to die.
Resistance to Change
• Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery
Which Cell has he been confined to?
• Maybe this world is another planet's hell!
As though it was not enough here.
• Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!
Moral: In the long run we are all dead
• Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.
Ignorance can be stressful
• Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
Atleast something is free, even if it’s a joy ride
• A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
Reminds me of Tele-Marketing!
• R u thinking what I'm thinking that I think that Ur thinking I'm thinking, because if u think that I think what I think I'm thinking then we've got a problem?
I thought as much
• Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Hmmm Uhh
• It's always darkest before it turns absolutely pitch black.
No clue
• By the time you read this, you’ve already read it.
Is it disclaimer or statutory warning?
• If you are going through hell, keep going.
Johnny Walker is hopping
• If a man who cannot count finds a shit load of cash, is he lucky?
Could be, if he has a cash counting machine.
• If you don't want anyone to know, don't do it !!!
Or don’t get caught in the Act.
• Every new beginning is some beginning's end.
Well it certainly is the end of this piece.

Clyde'isms: Synchronizing Humor One Status at a Time

Clyde'isms: Daily Dose of Humor

Ever stumbled upon Clyde’isms? It’s just my friend and former colleague, Clyde Alweyn, turning the mundane world of Gmail statuses into a playground of wit and humor. Every day, Clyde drops a one-liner in his status that could give any 'Quotable Quote' a run for its money. Here’s a taste of Clyde’s brain teasers and my attempts to keep up:

1. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

   Absolutely, but only if they're aiming for the ‘Best Group Performance’ award in dramatics!

2. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

   Honestly, isn’t ‘con’science just our internal parent, grounding us while the rest of us wants to party?

3. Is reading in the bathroom considered multi-tasking?

   More like multi-relaxing. Efficiency at its finest!

4. Why is abbreviation such a long word?

   It’s the word’s way of compensating for all the shortening it will do in its lifetime.

5. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.

   Or maybe you’re just a trendsetter going against the tide!

6. What's the speed of dark?

   It’s just one step behind the speed of light, forever playing cosmic catch-up.

7. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

   It’s the universe’s way of saying you’re too stubborn to die easily!

8. We were born naked, wet and hungry. Then things got worse.

   Welcome to life, where the only guarantees are taxes and more laundry.

9. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

   Why bother with stock markets when origami can do the trick?

10. Breaking News: The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Finland.

    Has anyone checked on Santa?

11. Santa Claus is missing.

    Must be on a tropical vacation—after all, even Santa needs a break from the cold!

12. Mix up: Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!

    Tragedy at its darkest—definitely not the plot twist you’d want in your life story.

13. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.

    Just roll with it. Tomorrow you might just be the windshield wiper.

14. Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

    Guess they heard the one about the chicken crossing the road.

15. When you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

    Because who needs extra mental baggage?

16. How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

    When you start questioning your sanity while writing.

17. For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

    Bargain of the day: slightly flawed parachutes, mystery stains included.

18. Error, no keyboard. Press F1 to continue.

    Because F1 is the universal ‘Help, I’m stuck in tech irony’ key.

19. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

    Also known as the ‘Why am I not still sleeping?’ phase.

20. Two rules to success in life: 1. Don't tell people everything you know.

    The second? Well, if I told you, I’d have to—just kidding, I don’t even know the second rule!

21. Atheism - A non-prophet organization.

    Their meetings are probably less about foretelling and more about forethinking.

22. The life of every man is a diary in which he means to write one story, and writes another.

    Because who doesn’t like a good plot twist?

23. To be natural is such a very difficult pose to keep up.

    So let’s all agree to embrace our awkward, quirky selves.

24. Would there be this eternal seeking if the found existed?

    Isn’t that just another way of saying, ‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’?

So there you have it—part one of Clyde’s comedic wisdom paired with my unsolicited punditry. Want more Clyde’isms? Drop a line, and let’s keep the laughs rolling!

First impressions....

First impressions are lasting impressions they say but my recent experience tells me that its better not to form one quickly. Getting out of the Senegal airport after a long flight from Adis recently I was surprised by the manner of an especially helpful & polite bystander outside the exit gate. He gave me details on the way to downtown Dakar (also called Dakar Plateau) – route, time taken,nearby landmarks and even placed my luggage into the waiting taxi. Before I could admire his hospitality & say a thank you, the guy with a half cigarette in his mouth nonchalantly said “Monsieur that will be 750 Cifa” .

Pepsi Redux

Pepsi is shedding its logo for a bolder theme. Its marketing chief d’Amore has unveiled a new logo- well not one but 3 actually. The earlier 3D logo is replaced a smooth new circle which poses as a “grin” for diet pepsi, a ‘Smile’ for the regular Pepsi & a “Laugh” for the Pepsi max. All this they claim is a part of the creative destruction of the brand. The designer traces his new creation not just to the pepsi days as a local brand in New Bern N.C but to the touchstones of western civilization: the golden ratio, the Parthenon, Mona lisa smile, Einstein’s theory of relativity & of course iPod. All this hoopla for a few gulps of sugary carbonated water? You might say, well with consumers increasingly preferring fruit juices, & fruity sodas they’d better come up with something exciting.

The last part of the inspiration bit was interesting i.e, iPod. Its creator Apple stands out in a world of bland corporate identities & product designs. Its visual identity , store design & product designs have been inspiring. They touch people at a emotional level when most product fail to do so and most of that Credit goes to Steve Jobs , its honcho who is apparently very passionate about aesthetic beauty & excellence and demands both.

Heuristics & Economic turmoil

The economic turmoil has led to all kinds of finger pointing at Institutions/ bodies, CEOs/Leaders & even bashing of nations opening up the Poor/Rich divide. Greed, deviant economic behavior, regulatory blindsight are some of the common lexicons that came to be associated with this phenomena. But none less fascinating was a recent explanation which traces it to biological origins of human behavior. It says “It boils down to something called heuristics in decision making or the cognitive short cuts that human brains takes in a given scenarios.Social proof heuristics explains this;in an uncertain situation it is hard wired into our brains to look around to see what others are doing & blindly follow what they do”. Another one says "Our brains don't make decisions by defining objectives,assessing options and coming up with the best solution.Instead we're wired to look for patterns that link the immediate solution to past experience. Further the brain attaches emotional tags to thoughts & experiences which can subvert objective decision making & lead us astray".
Sigh.

Ghar one da

Low cost housing seems to be the new flavour of the season on B-street. Everyone from HDFC (the mai baap of mortgage) to Janaagraha’s Ramnathan (new babe in the woods) seems to have been bitten by this new bug. What makes it interesting? Realty market might have sunk & while the builders are out to reprice & rebudget the homes in the affordable mid bracket range , some smart Alecs have figured out that there is huge market for the Aam janta who may be subprime but are certainly credit worthy. The mobile broke the barrier initially and then the Nano did it with the car so why not affordable housing? The neighbourhood chaiwalla, dhobiwalla, electrician, plumber et al., can all now look forward to their gharonda. But it is intriguing in that regular retail asset products like Two wheeler loans, small ticket Personals loans etc which in some ways targeted such profiles have suddenly fallen by the way side due to rising defaults & falling yields.

Nought riders

The way Kolkata Knight riders are going in IPL 2.0 makes me wonder whether they should be rechristened Kolkata ‘Nought’ riders. The team has drawn 8 blanks (losses) on trot and even the law of averages seems to have deserted them. Amidst all this their coach is making silly noises about increasing the quota of foreign players much like his initial brouhaha with multiple captains. Its owner SRK seemed to be now doing what he is good at, leave them alone & focus on acting & dancing.

Lift Kara de

Last week I visited a friend at his office in Kormangala & in between our chats , the topic of current gloom and how it affected his business crept up. Later we went down to a nearby cafe where he lamented about how the job sucked & that the belt tightening exercises in these recessionary periods made matters worse in office.

Back at his office again I noticed that the lift seemed to take a very long time to come down, getting impatient I turned to him and said ‘ Chal, lets walk up - hardly 3 floors’. ‘Yaar’ my friend replied wearily ‘ bus yehi ek cheez hai that is uplifting in this office & you want me to avoid that?”

Rediscovered in Translation

I recently wrote a small piece on the elections in my Kannada blog Parikalpane which was admirably translated into English by Anuj Valmiki. I have reproduced his effort here (in Pic). He probably was responding to a call made by my friend Shaz who found a lot of what was written going over his head! Coming to translation, it is said that the genius of the English language is the genius of the people who use it. However democratic this language may be , it still cannot fathom or replicate many of the words that we commonly use in our vernacular languages. A given set of words will have various meanings or shades of thoughts when woven into a sentence, so even though the translation may bring out some comprehension it may not necessarily capture its essence. This is because words are loaded with meaning that is more than just definition; we invest them with an emotion. Other words are based on evolved concepts. So what really happens is that , more often than not, it gets rediscovered in translation. In a larger context it may have got to do with the cultural differences, a prism through with the emotions & feelings gets translated into language.